[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 17 most recent journal entries recorded in
|Saturday, May 20th, 2006|
i feel more motivated and alive than i have in ages
i have been single for ages
i have girls in my life but it is only what i want that matters right now
on top of the fucking world
|Monday, August 8th, 2005|
|internet revenge this way comes
so i have been attacked. i finally meet a girl, who doesnt judge me on my past because she has a past. who doesnt have a fucking past? we had 11 perfect days- but yes it always startes like that right? but yesterday some cowardly motherfucker sent her a mock screen name on myspace message debunking me and linking her to livejournal. that is just fucked up, because who knows about that? apparently more than i know. so i may or may have gotten warranted revenge. but why fuck with me? what do you get out of it? there is no fucking privacy- that which began as a release has turned into an invasion.
|Thursday, June 30th, 2005|
i dont know where it came from exactly but i left it on SOMEONES myspace page
"life is such an insane beast that sometimes makes you want to hit yer head at five am so as not to be crushed by its ravenous sharpened teeth..... creativity is our sword. a small amount of hope our armor"
arg my head aches
|Wednesday, June 29th, 2005|
yes i can net whatever i put my mind to, such little effort needed
so why search when all i ever want is right in front of me?
i havent held her in my arms in ages, but when i do i feel calm.
red head not, k, amiee.
|Tuesday, June 28th, 2005|
i just went on a grueling suburban mountain bike trek
worked on my sun tan for sure
sweat like all fuck
shit i almost gave up
but it so settled my mind
and kicked my ass
i feel completely unsettled and depressed, well sort of. i am still getting used to being single, to not having someone hands and knees there for me, to put up with my shit, to lay around and watch movies with me, to be my stepping stone. believe it or not i give more effort than they ever know. they will never know the struggle it is for me to stay into them! but it is never good enough. no it never is. and now. now? fuck i dont even know. unsettled. why do i care? it is my inherent duality that freaks me out. i care too much and dont give a shit. i am a lover and a player. a romantic and a cynic.
|Friday, June 24th, 2005|
|unemployed in summertime
i just saw my friend jon, delivering my small means of income for the week. i was unshirted, unshaved. sunburnt. i woke at 1130 this morning, went to bed drunk at 4am. today at 4pm i am going to go see the new undead film, land of the dead, and told him about it. i had a calmness to me, a laid backedness, that he probably isnt used to seeing. i looke dto the sky, smiled, and he comments- "you are so unemployed" and i smiled, yes, yes i am. but this is different than times past, because though there is a mild stress about thwt i will do about the next few weeks, come july 18 my "real" job starts, and then i dont have to worry about shit.
and also, last night was one of those ideal evenings that cant be repeated, just referenced. i have no obligation to anyone or anything. i am in love with life, and myself also. but not to the point where it is a problem. i just am glad. smiling positive.
i wrote this earlier to the harmony of another song. i need it like that, sometimes dakota by stereophonics
it's come to a head
never wished our love dead
was it something i said?
yes i see you're finished with school
isn't it cool
summer's here no more rules
but then you call me at night
your sad voice full of fright
remember when I was your light?
the moon is so full in the sky
do you think we should give it a try
or would we be living a lie
summertime always felt free
with pride on its knees
warm wind blowing through trees Current Mood: calm
|Thursday, June 23rd, 2005|
|dont cross me fool
the overwhelming monotonous regularity of everyday existence. the blurry silhouettes of clouds covering the late afternoon sun reminded him of something, though not quite clear in his head.........his eyes readjusted to the interior lighting, darker and smoky, but much more inviting than the reality of the day. nighttime is what they waited for, hours passed with useless activities that somehow were deemed important, a silent buildup to the evening, when life really was lived.
this is from the first page of a notebook two years old, and reading on i realize that anything old is useless to me. no i wont get rid of them, but i wont continue them either. whining crying crappy muses, that have no relevance to the person i am now. no i dont mind this little passage, i get what i was going for, but it exists as all it will ever be. the true test is if i can go anywhere from here. let's see, shall we?
|Friday, June 17th, 2005|
|waiting in the lawn
impatience getting the best of me
so i went fora job interview wednesday
and it seemed i rocked it!
the interviewer was telling me when the work excursion to a cubs game is, saying that might be a good time to meet everyone
that an idealtime to start would be right after the 4th
all this very uplifting stuff
and she said to call today and check in but they havnt responded yet!!!!!!!!
should i call again?
i hate bothering people
as i hate to be bothered
but this job will give me the stability and independence i so need
|Monday, June 13th, 2005|
how about i just constantly write about how much the burbs fucking suck?
reconnecting with people, then the same old judgmental bullshit pops up
but only in the suburbs
only in orland fucking park
is it my fault i have lived more than these morons?
i love it, i am happy and complete, and dont regret a thing
|Saturday, June 11th, 2005|
|take me away
i hate the burbs get me out
i really have no place here
i saw the Helio sequence last night
you know them i bet, brit
really cool guys
got to hang with them after
get into cities!
|Thursday, June 9th, 2005|
really, i cant help it, but everything bothers me
i so dislike people
there are so few that i even give a chance to
yes i am pretentious
but it is impossible not to be, really
yesterday was fucked and awesome
but everyday seems to be in retrospect
i went to a taco bell yesterday because it is supposed to be fast
but these inbred disgusting fuckers-
and itisnt even the employees i am talking about
i know what it is to work shit jobs
it is the people there
i almost left so as not to be surrounded by their filth and disgust
anyway on a lighter note once i got to my destination of naperville, and weaved my way through the yuppie scum with their baby carriages and thoughts on how great our president is, i made it, and we drank jager as i scanned pictures.
then we went to the most hilarious bar, one in which i would never set foot in reguarly, but that made it the more interesting
ha a ha then talked to sweet ass and reaized that maybe i shouldnt judge people so quickly, and damn that girl knew how to kiss
too may do not, and that bothers me
do they lack passion?
but i went home fucking late and went to work early and now i am home and need to sleep
honesty and upfrontness as been working like a charm for me lately Current Mood: sweet
|Friday, June 3rd, 2005|
|what the hell
everything is really insane
i mean, i dont know where anything is going in any aspect of my life
i felt a strange emptiness when i couldnt open my mspace account
it might be good for me if it didnt work again
the indulgence is getting to me
but at the same time i have a lot of writing that would be lossssssssttttttttttt
ah like burning teenage notebooks
what comes after is always better
but i mean what the fuck
all this talk of suicidal tendencies
while i thought i may have been in the past, apparently my depression has never been that bad
i could never take my life, i fucking have too much fun
YES it hurts, but i like the pain sometimes
so up in the air............................... Current Mood: coffeeeeeeeeeeee
|Tuesday, May 31st, 2005|
|next big thing
so whats next?
spring almost gone
what is to look forward to?
|Monday, May 23rd, 2005|
this is my third attempt at writing-
well fifth, two were lost due to computer malfunctions
i am not sure if i really want the records of those moments anyway
it is ok to look back upon things like that, but i am not sure if i am ready to be THAT honest with you
though i have opened up as i have never done before
and it has been so liberating
i read others soul searching honest confessions
and sometimes i criticize
sometimes i dont pay attention
but sometimes it strikes me, and stays with me
i care so much about things, that it is so easy not to care about anything, or anyone
i dont think i have ever really been hurt before, i just thought i had
but everything breaks my heart
the plights and losses of others
the let downs
it lets me down
i give flowers to girls
i have givin them to more than one
i open car doors, not just some girls, all girls
i open the door for women- be it young, middle aged, elderly--------------i respect them, adore them..........
i dont do these things for alterior motives
i guess i am just gentlemanly
i find it strange that girls are not used to this, though.
how are the rest of the men out there such fools that they do not know how to treat a girl?
not that i do. i can do the showy things like that, but when it comes down to it i dont know how to handle human relations
every girl deserves flowers
and before it is on their grave Current Mood: contemplative
|Tuesday, May 10th, 2005|
|perpetuate my length of stay no more
i have been a hermit the last few days
surrounded by people, sometimes
but every moment I have been much more introspective
what the fucks that.
strange periods of transistion
enough of this old boring life
new things, important things.
a secret deal with a foreign country
now really...........what was that.
suppose this is what happens- in my old age, getting stoned makes my writing go off kilter
it makes it shite
that was the whole problem with my output in highschool, asides from being in high school.
aw fuck. may and still in the burbs.
the reasons for my hermit ways.
i have no interest or desire to perpetuate my length of stay here.
i really shine in the grand metropolis Current Mood: badass
|Sunday, May 8th, 2005|
|welcome to my frickin world
so here it goes
i have found the internet to be my biggest motivation for writing
notebooks be damned
been ready to burn them forever anyway
if you saw my handwriting and lameness with the written word, you would understand
though my typing is not great it translates my thoughts a lot quicker
so it is may
earlier in the day i laid in the park under the shade of a tree with the wind pushing against my spine
and i felt good
it reminded me of youth
of innocence and beauty
before one knows all the shit they will face as they get older
it is all still beautiful
but the lack of knowledge sometimes makes things so much more .........so much more......... interesting
ah the spring
wisks my bitter thoughts away